Roman Starovoit’s sudden death might be filed under “suicide,” but let’s not insult our collective intelligence. The former Russian Transportation Minister allegedly shot himself after being sacked by Vladimir Putin, who, in a moment of dramatic foreshadowing, publicly dismissed him for “underperformance.” In the same breath, Russian media whispered the old familiar lines—“under investigation for corruption,” “embezzlement,” and the pièce de résistance: “committed suicide by firearm.” That last one practically has a signature on it: V. Putin, with love.
Bulletproof Alibis and the Death List Shuffle
The cartoon doesn’t need a punchline—Putin’s death list practically writes the joke for us. With a KGB shrug and a dead-eyed smirk, Vlad lets slip that his minister “might commit suicide,” and lo and behold, the man obliges (or, rather, is obliged)—with multiple gunshot wounds, no less. The only thing missing is a note reading, “Oops, I slipped… four times.” You can almost hear the brass casings hitting the floor like morbid punctuation marks. If that’s not Russian accountability in action, I don’t know what is. Somewhere, Stalin is nodding in approval.
Another Day, Another Dead Man in a Suit
Look—Roman wasn’t just caught with his hand in the cookie jar. He dove headfirst into the whole freakin’ bakery. Billions of rubles from federal infrastructure projects went “missing,” and as investigators started poking around, Putin put on his best “wink wink” face and made sure Roman got the message. This wasn’t a suicide. This was a power drill of a message sent to every official thinking of turning state cash into personal yacht fuel. Cross the Ts in “transportation,” and you get “termination.” Fast, loud, and straight to the head.
