The Department of Justice just wrapped up its deep dive into the Jeffrey Epstein saga, and brace yourself—because this might shock you. According to their freshly pressed findings, there is no “client list,” no blackmail operation, no elite sex ring involving powerful men in tailored suits. And Epstein? Oh, he committed suicide in his jail cell. Absolutely. Just like they said the first time. Case closed, folks. Move along. Nothing to see here.
If you just felt your brain leak out of your ears, you’re not alone.
Pam Bondi said the Epstein client list was on her desk to review for release to the public just a few months ago. Now the DOJ she leads claims that there’s no Epstein client list.
Sorry but this is unacceptable.
Was she lying then or is she lying now?
We deserve answers. pic.twitter.com/VcBSLsCLtl
— Robby Starbuck (@robbystarbuck) July 7, 2025
Welcome to the Circus
This charade of a conclusion reads like satire penned by Franz Kafka on meth. After years of public speculation, sealed documents, missing surveillance footage, and “malfunctioning” cameras, we’re told—again—to trust the institutions that failed at every turn to keep Epstein alive long enough to testify.
According to a DOJ memo obtained by yours truly, the FBI combed through 300 gigabytes of Epstein’s data and found nothing. Zilch. Nada. No names. No clients. No list. Not even a Post-it note from Bill Clinton.
Since seeing is believing, I’ve included the document in question here so you can read it and judge for yourself.
So that’s it? All those flights on the Lolita Express? All those high-powered names that somehow kept appearing in court docs and leaked logs? The Prince Andrews, the Gateses, the Ehuds, and the Bills—all part of a mass hallucination? Are we seriously expected to believe that Jeffrey Epstein, a convicted child molester and known manipulator, ran a vast sex trafficking operation… completely alone and with zero paperwork?
And how can we forget what Elon Musk wrote on X just weeks ago?
“Time to drop the really big bomb. @realDonaldTrump is in the Epstein files. That is the real reason they have not been made public. Have a nice day, DJT!”
Apparently, we are only to believe the official story now. One man. One cell. One poorly constructed bunk bed and one cheap prison bedsheet. He wrapped it all up neatly like a frickin’ Netflix limited series.
The Suicide Heard’ Round the World
You might remember when Epstein was found dead in 2019—strangled by gravity, they told us, while guards just happened to fall asleep and the cameras just happened to fail. The coroner’s “suicide“ ruling was questioned even by Epstein’s own pathologist, who pointed out multiple neck fractures consistent with strangulation.
But don’t worry—the DOJ now says there’s surveillance footage proving it. That’s right. The same facility that couldn’t keep track of El Chapo‘s cellmates magically has video supposedly confirming that Epstein did the deed himself. And we’re supposed to just take their word for it this time because, well, the memo said so.
Again, the link to the video is in the FBI document above. I warn you, though, it’s about as exciting as watching paint dry, and that’s the government’s point: there is nothing to see here. But the camera does not show Epstein’s door. The Camera angle covers the hallway and a common area near Epstein’s cell. It proves nothing. And then there is the missing minute and two seconds. The video skips from 11:58:58 PM to 12:00:00 AM.
Attorney General Bondi has addressed this missing footage in a White House Cabinet meeting, stating it was due to a glitch in the recording system. You can decide for yourself what you believe there.
The Great Vanishing Act
Now here’s the kicker: Attorney General Pam Bondi and FBI Director Kash Patel, the dynamic duo behind this “investigation,” say that much of the Epstein material can’t be released. Why? Because some of it contains illegal content, including videos of children. And wouldn’t you know it, they’ve decided to destroy or indefinitely seal the rest. For our own protection, of course.
Because nothing screams justice like (allegedly) suppressing evidence. And let’s not forget, we’re talking about the same Department of Justice that lost Ghislaine Maxwell’s client list in a bureaucratic Bermuda Triangle while managing to convict her for trafficking minors… to absolutely no one other than Epstein.
This is where the wheels fall off. You can’t prosecute someone for trafficking victims to invisible men. There’s a supply without demand. All of those girls were trafficked to the void, apparently.
What an insult to the American people. What a slap in the face to the victims who came forward—at great personal risk—to describe the abuse, the blackmail, the depravity of the uber-rich and protected.
Everyone Knew. Nobody Saw.
Jeffrey Epstein had a fake passport. He had houses in Manhattan, Paris, New Mexico, and his own island fortress in the Caribbean. This guy, who started out as a failed High School teacher, somehow acquired enough money to make a Saudi prince blush and the kind of high-profile friends who make their phone calls on private jets and delete their Signal threads every 30 seconds.
Epstein was clearly intelligence-connected, or blackmail-connected, or possibly both. But according to the DOJ, he was just your run-of-the-mill sex offender who happened to operate a globe-spanning network for decades, undetected, and without partners. He lived like a Bond villain—but died like a chump.
Are we seriously supposed to buy this?
Final Curtain Call
The only thing missing from this DOJ report is a laugh track, but there is absolutely nothing funny about any of it. They could have at least thrown in some language about “mistakes were made“ or “we’ll do better next time.“ But no, they expect you to swallow this steaming pile of bureaucratic BS with a straight face.
This isn’t justice. It’s a ritual cleansing. A final bleach job to scrub away the bloodstains, close the books, and protect the same people who always get protected.
No client list. No foul play. No further questions.
And if you believe that, I’ve got an airstrip in Little St. James to show you.
Bring cash.